I don’t know and I don’t have a way to know.

A year back my Thami (grandma) left me. As a child, I was very close to Thami. I shared the same room with her and sometimes when I felt scared , the same bed . Thami for me is a bunch of repeated fairy tales, rhymes, her childhood stories, late night mischiefs, complaints about Ma, how dad was so helpless in front of Ma. I can go on ranting endlessly about my relationship with Thami. But that is not what I want to do now. I want you to understand, She , I think, is the closest witness of my senescence.

I had not seen any close deaths before. Both my grandfathers passed away when I was 10.Too young to perceive death. Meaning, when my Dadubhai left us I just felt, sad because he would no longer be with us anymore. It’s as if I was supposed to wear a low key life for some time .But honestly, I did not miss him as much as I miss Thami.

Not saying the least, that I completely understand death now. But I probably have a better sense of it.

By now you must be wondering, of all things why did I start talking about death ? Its this genuine question that I have in my mind. Say, if your favourite author or musician passed away , would you feel sad ?The answer is yes. So my next question then is , what would you feel sad about ? And then, would you feel as much sad, as if it were a personal loss ?Or just…isssh ?

I gauge the answers would be very diverse and probably lead to one final question, “If  I am appreciative of  some piece of art, is it just the soul and content of it that I am attached to or also very personally  bonded to the face behind the creation ? And if I am not bonded personally is that indicative of a very superficial appreciation?

All of this soul searching comes to me after it’s been almost a week that Rituporno Ghosh left us. I am sad. Very sad. I just could not go to work the day I heard it. But, right now  I am leading a perfectly normal life. Why today? Two days later, I was back to my old fold. But it still shudders me to think that we will not have another film like Chitrangada or Khela or Doshar.

  Its best not to go into an attempt to write ornate lines about his work. That’s another thing. A task, which I don’t think I have the ability to put my pen to or may be bereft of words to perfectly articulate.

 When I saw the videos of his last journey I did not cry , I was just numb.

So am I bonded to him or not ?

Am I even supposed to be bonded or not ?

If I was , was I supposed to be grieving a little longer ? Or just because I was back to my daily chores in the next two days makes me less grief stricken. I don’t miss you Rituporno everyday. No, I don’t. But I definitely feel your loss more than any of your “Isssh” saying fans. You are definitely more mine.  Only because I share a personal relationship with you through the same piece of art that you created for thousands. Its like the same reason that I miss Thami more than Dadubhai. But let’s not get emotional here. If I was not personally afflicted by your untimely departure, would that make me less appreciative of your work ?  I don’t know. And I don’t have a way to know.

 Or am I just over sensitive? Because even without you knowing it, a part of me is because of you.

When I have said, all that I had to, now, almost at the end of my blog, I think I know why I said all of it.

 I had to let it out.