A year back my Thami (grandma) left me. As a child, I was
very close to Thami. I shared the same room with her and sometimes when I felt scared
, the same bed . Thami for me is a bunch of repeated fairy tales, rhymes, her
childhood stories, late night mischiefs, complaints about Ma, how dad was so
helpless in front of Ma. I can go on ranting endlessly about my relationship
with Thami. But that is not what I want to do now. I want you to understand, She
, I think, is the closest witness of my senescence.
I had not seen any close deaths before. Both my grandfathers
passed away when I was 10.Too young to perceive death. Meaning, when my Dadubhai
left us I just felt, sad because he would no longer be with us anymore. It’s as
if I was supposed to wear a low key life for some time .But honestly, I did not
miss him as much as I miss Thami.
Not saying the least, that I completely understand death
now. But I probably have a better sense of it.
By now you must be wondering, of all things why did I start
talking about death ? Its this genuine question that I have in my mind. Say, if
your favourite author or musician passed away , would you feel sad ?The answer
is yes. So my next question then is , what would you feel sad about ? And then,
would you feel as much sad, as if it were a personal loss ?Or just…isssh ?
I gauge the answers would be very diverse and probably lead
to one final question, “If I am
appreciative of some piece of art, is it
just the soul and content of it that I am attached to or also very personally bonded to the face behind the creation ? And
if I am not bonded personally is that indicative of a very superficial appreciation?
All of this soul searching comes to me after it’s been
almost a week that Rituporno Ghosh left us. I am sad. Very sad. I just could
not go to work the day I heard it. But, right now I am leading a perfectly normal life. Why
today? Two days later, I was back to my old fold. But it still shudders me to
think that we will not have another film like Chitrangada or Khela or Doshar.
Its best not to go into an attempt to write
ornate lines about his work. That’s another thing. A task, which I don’t think I
have the ability to put my pen to or may be bereft of words to perfectly
articulate.
When I saw the videos
of his last journey I did not cry , I was just numb.
So am I bonded to him or not ?
Am I even supposed to be bonded or not ?
If I was , was I supposed to be grieving a little longer ?
Or just because I was back to my daily chores in the next two days makes me
less grief stricken. I don’t miss you Rituporno everyday. No, I don’t. But I definitely
feel your loss more than any of your “Isssh” saying fans. You are definitely more
mine. Only because I share a personal
relationship with you through the same piece of art that you created for
thousands. Its like the same reason that I miss Thami more than Dadubhai. But
let’s not get emotional here. If I was not personally afflicted by your
untimely departure, would that make me less appreciative of your work ? I don’t know. And I don’t have a way to know.
Or am I just over sensitive?
Because even without you knowing it, a part of me is because of you.
When I have said, all that I had to, now, almost at the end
of my blog, I think I know why I said all of it.
I had to let it out.
